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2009-05-24T05:24:24Z

so, let me just talk about this for a minute.

i am so paranoid about growing older. not necessarily growing up, because i feel like for the most part i welcome that with open arms, but just the idea of growing older.
the fact that one day i will be so old that i'll need help doing simple things, like making a meal, going to the bathroom, writing, thinking clearly, thinking at all-- that all scares the daylights out of me. and i can't figure out exactly how to accept the fact that we are all slowly decomposing right now.
I am having a huge problem accepting that i am 22 years old and feel, still, very left behind in many of the activities that my acquaintances seem to be so great at (i.e., relationships, responsibility, etc). and at the same time i get so frustrated and so angry that i feel like such a tag along in other peoples lives-- its not even fair to them, in my eyes, to have me around sometimes because i am on such a different level than many of my acquaintances. and its something that many of them shouldn't have to kind of...deal.... with me. like i said, its not fair to them.
and i realize i'm being vague, but many, if not all of my 'blogs' are completely and utterly vague, and it makes sense to me when i re read them, and it fits my trains of thought. yes, trains. its fucking grand central station in my head, these days.
either way, with such a mentality its easy to get lonely. and that is a very hard feeling to play with, and its one that i've been having a hard time discarding when i do play with it, which is more often each day. and with the slightest dismissal or ostracism of myself, in any situation, i selfishly take it incredibly personal and i'll do the mallory thing and box up, and i really did think i was over that shit.
neither here nor there.
fact is, i've been in this mentality that makes me think of that kind of thing, and i think it all started with the treehouse that some of my acquaintances have been building, and the fact that they are building it on broken dreams, and the fact that nobody knows where those families are right now, that fact that those houses were places that people had memories and were torn apart for whatever reason that they probably deserved, and to me its like going to a graveyard and stepping on the graves, to me its rather disrespectful and it makes me so sick and emotional about it for what.ever. reason.
and also i've been going to antique shops these days, looking for ancient books and post cards, and i stumble over family photos from a hundred years ago and i look at those photos and it hits me that there is no possible way that anyone in that photo is alive today and it freaks me out.
so maybe i should avoid those areas for a while, at least until i figure out why its bothering me so much.
anyway. thats all.

changing again

2009-01-22T16:33:17Z

www.todaymallory.blogspot.com

iknow iknow.

ill still be around on this journal, but i'll mostly keep it so i can download music and check up on friendz.

you'll be dancing with him too

2008-11-25T02:57:17Z

When you're alone and life is making you lonely
You can always go - downtown
When you've got worries, all the noise and the hurry
Seems to help, I know - downtown
Just listen to the music of the traffic in the city
Linger on the sidewalk where the neon signs are pretty
How can you lose?

The lights are much brighter there
You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares
So go downtown, things'll be great when you're
Downtown - no finer place, for sure
Downtown - everything's waiting for you

Don't hang around and let your problems surround you
There are movie shows - downtown
Maybe you know some little places to go to
Where they never close - downtown
Just listen to the rhythm of a gentle bossa nova
You'll be dancing with him too before the night is over
Happy again

The lights are much brighter there
You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares
So go downtown, where all the lights are bright
Downtown - waiting for you tonight
Downtown - you're gonna be all right now

song of my life, right now.
working at Princess is going well. I have anxiety with talking to people on the phone as it is, but I think that the more practice I get, I'll get better. I LOVE working in downtown Seattle. i love it. Its busy and bustly and crazy and windy and i love walking to my tall building to the bus tunnel. the song captures my liveliness of walking from one place to another. i love the business-woman fashion that I get to capture, and i love playing the part of someone important to a company. I love playing the corporate part. silly, i know. but i like it. When June comes along, I am able to apply for time off vacation so i can go on cruises. Then in December, I am able to apply for a $15/day on cruises anywhere. ANYWHERE. for as long as I'd like (given, that I get the time off). I just gotta stick with it, and I will.
Other than that, I've been working out a lot, and lost about 12 pounds. go.me.
My mother is fine, she seems to be in good spirits and good light and. yeah, she's fine.
Alex is home and I see him frequently. We had a really good conversation that I felt like I really needed to have, and it ended up going really well. I almost had an ulcer when it happened though.... it all made me really anxious. I brought up my behavior with my mom and how I appreciated his presence for me with that, and then I brought up the Amy thing, which is something that i've had a lot of time to think about. I tried to clear up my feelings with that, let him know my feelings now and I think it all went well. that was over a month ago though.
anyway
thats the basic rundown.

whats good with you all?

we all stand together

2008-10-23T06:15:49Z

you know, i can't imagine finding a man on craigslist, being with him, and then thinking "wow... we found each other on craigslist."
its laughable.

im having fun. boys & girls club is almost over, thank god.
on to new and better things.

i'm nervous about when he gets home.

swagger, nigga, swagger

2008-10-14T08:08:51Z

i got lost on my way home tonight. my brown boots in tow, i drove through the rain and through the green lights and through the clouds of thought that i had because of family, work, and love. as i got onto 520, i wondered how i'm going to get through the next month. thought seriously about plunging my car into the lake, then thought seriously about becoming a successful something or other.
my friends talk sense into me in several different angles, and i love that, so much.
i miss them being at arms length.

boots covered in dirt

2008-09-29T07:14:28Z

i was in safeway tonight looking at used books. i'm trying to read more.
there was an old woman there who was inspecting the backs of some of the books.
she mentions how there are so many books.
and i say "yes, I am hoping to find one that I'll like. do you see any nice romantic ones? i like those."
"there are some on the ground. I don't read those, though, I am too old to believe in things like that....true love and such."
"....I guess I am to young not to."
"No, you're too young and stupid to believe those things. haha."
"...I hope not..."

true story.
made me sad.

laughlikethem @ 2008-09-18T00:33:00

2008-09-18T07:34:04Z

i am going to be an au pair and i am moving to italy.

bye

in the back of my mind

2008-09-12T16:27:20Z

so i moved home a few weeks ago, and returned to my old room in the basement. it will end up being a pretty good set up, i think. im nervous about the serious control my parents might think they are regaining, but my dad has showed these passed few weeks that as long as i pick up my own stuff, it will be fine. my mom has been in dc the passed 2 weeks, so when she gets back i think a lot more stress will be had. plus, i can already tell that she has picked up some aunt denise characteristics.but its okay, i think dad will set her straight when she gets back. i hope? but i'm going to be happy to have her back.
my room is nice. i painted it a dark green, and i stole the queen bed upstairs. its a nice room, i think.
i got a job, too. at the bellevue boys & girls club. so far, its fine. unknowingly, janelle herrick works there too, so its nice to have someone there that i know and kind of gets me. it kind of takes the stress off the situation. i will be leading a whole class at the education center (irony).
i wish i had more friends in seattle. when mccall isn't in vegas, she will be here and that will be all i will really need, but when she is gone i need some other friend that i trust. so weird to go from a huge group of friends that, at times, will not ever leave you alone or get out of your house, to a totally empty house, with nobody ever in it.
tonight meghan b is coming home from gonzaga and her and her friend are meeting me at the No Bull Saloon down the street, here in renton. i laugh at this, because one memory comes to me about the No Bull Saloon. one time, i dont remember how exactly it went, but me, megann and rocio (i think it was us three) took mccalls car out for a joy ride when mccall fell asleep at my house, and when she woke up she somehow found out and got "mad" and took her car all the way down (this is so made up) to the No Bull Saloon and asked to use the bathroom and got kicked out. haha i miss that stuff so much. those memories are the best ones i have, i think.
i went to McCalls house last week and had a similar time... where i could not stop laughing. her and her mom were making me laugh so much, i missed it. i want to be around them a lot this year.
im supposed to have some great goals for while im home, like what i want to do, where i want to go, who i want to be.

i don't know what i want to do yet, i know i want to go to france, boston and the czech republic, and i know that i want to be one of those women that embraces life even though she is living in her parents basement.

laughlikethem @ 2008-09-03T14:32:00

2008-09-03T21:32:56Z

my transformation will be for you.

painting the town your favorite color

2008-08-25T08:35:52Z

this is silly, and stupid, but i am going to miss alex so god damn much when he is gone.
and i dont know how i'm going to deal with that feeling.... i feel like i've really lost something huge in my life. and not just for a few months, but for a long time. i dont know how to not be dramatic about it.... but its pretty dramatic and traumatic for me. he's been there for me for so much in these passed 2 years, in so many different ways. i know it may sound cliche, but that man taught me a lot about myself, i feel like i know myself better because i knew him. i dont mean to write in the past tense, like he is dead or something....i just have some severe anxiety about him coming back and me being too different and maybe he will be too different and we will miss the boat for upgrading our friendship anymore or something.
i'm awfully afraid of him coming home and not wanting to be my friend anymore... .the separation anxiety is way too much for me to handle right now. too much change, too fast.

i just can't stand the idea of him not being in my life.... he's made it so much better since he's been in it.

and... i need him around.

and i suck and can never tell him any of this because i'm still an emotional brick wall! kill me please.

it just breaks my heart to see him go.

laughlikethem @ 2008-08-21T23:41:00

2008-08-22T06:43:02Z

why am i so mad at you?
you don't do anything to me.

but i guess maybe thats the problem.

ughhhh god damn it

kbye?

2008-08-20T14:27:12Z

everything with me will be ok, except that i am scared of the sheer emptiness that will bring with him leaving me.

ugh

laughlikethem @ 2008-07-26T20:01:00

2008-07-27T03:17:20Z

i'm scared of what my future holds. i don't know where i am to go from here, and my time is running out.
this time, i am truly lost. but i can't seem to grasp if it is what i want, or need right now. i know, that sounds stupid. but, when italk to my parents on saturday, my whole life will change. i will have to choose (or it will be chosen for me) between two things, and both things are quite evil. one, staying in bellingham with people who i find to be rather fake and ingenuine, or forced to stay home in renton, with my parents and back to a life of little to no freedoms as well as being totally mapped out.... all with the weight of my parents severe dissappointment and disapproval on my back. which soon will spread to the rest of my family, and i will officially be the bad apple of the hayes family.
i may or may not be attending community colleges, but i will be working, somewhere, full time.
i have just recently been accepting of my fates-- i have been in denial for a while. i keep thinking something will come through with the situation, but it won't and i've come to terms with it.

when god closes a door, he opens a window........ but i closed this door on my own, i think.

and how do i talk to my parents about my decision? can't people just be happy that i havn't gotten pregnant or selling meth? because i could definitly be into that stuff, and i'd probably make more money than i do now.

raaaa

2008-07-18T03:50:23Z

I'm on the verge, I'm on the verge
U n r a v e l i n g with every word
With every word you say, make me believe
That I won't feel your tires on the street
As I'm finding the words... you're getting away

I come undone, oh yes, I do
Just think of all the thoughts wasted on you
And every word you say, say something sweet
Cause all I taste is blood between my teeth
As I'm finding the words... you're getting away

Well I'm ready, I'm ready to drop
Oh, I'm ready, I'm ready so don't stop
I'm ready so don't stop, Keep pushing
I'm ready to fall, oh, I'm ready
I'm ready so don't call, I'm ready so don't call

I am aware, I've been misled
I disconnect my heart, my head
Don't wanna recognize when things go bad
The things that you'll accept
Except that I am finding the words... to say

I'm ready, I'm ready to drop
Oh oh oh oh oh, I'm ready
I'm ready so don't stop
I'm ready so don't stop

Well, I'm ready, to drop, well, I'm ready
I'm ready so don't stop, oh
Well, keep pushing, I'm ready to fall
Well, I'm ready, I'm ready so don't call
I'm ready so don't call, oh... oh... oh...

laughlikethem @ 2008-07-17T20:40:00

2008-07-18T03:44:59Z

i am obsessed with memory. i don't want to forget anything, i don't want to end up like my grandma.

i want to remember everything.

theres no love like apathy

2008-07-08T06:57:09Z

this
time
i
feel
i'm
loosing
you

baby im sorry, but im cold in your arms

2008-07-01T06:24:21Z

so, i know i'm kind of retarded as i write this, but whatever.
I want a physical relationship really badly.
i feel like people flaunt that kind of stuff sometimes, and it is an understatement to say that I am jealous of that. i dont mean that i am jealous of everyone in a relationship, because i'm not, but I'm jealous of the fact that they have that kind of affection at their fingertips. i want that.

i want kisses and i want sex and i want to not be annoyed when my friends take their birth control pills and i want to look forward to someones presence and someones calls and i want a different level of appreciation that i usually get. not to be ungrateful of appreciation, but i am just ready for something different.

my difference, is that i am picky. i dont want to waste something like sex on someone that i dont really care for. i know that that is incredibly cliche, and that sex these days isnt something that is looked at as a big deal, and in my head i know it isn't, but the longer i wait, the bigger deal it is. (40 yr old virgin anyone?)

but, this isn't just about sex, its about the physicality of it in general. to be that close with someone scares the shit out of me, and i don't want it to, but it does.
and i know that in my heart i should be worried about other things, but right now this kind of concerns me.

stupid

godzilla

2008-06-20T05:06:16Z

what do i do?
I am so lost.

i never wanted to be THAT girl.

do i embrace it? or do I keep trying?

this is happening for a reason, i know it is. it has to be.

bubonic

2008-06-04T07:45:41Z

i can't sleep when you're in my house.

and go ahead and leave my mothers name out of your mouth. you don't know shit. you'll never know shit. but if you think you do and try to be so witty and funny well, just know that i will have no problems reprimanding you in front of everyone. and we all know how children hate embarrassment.

and theres this burning like there's always been

2008-05-30T07:17:06Z

i wish i could just post third eye blind lyrics and not feel like a total chud for doing it.
but they are kinda my life right now.
its midnight, or a little after, and i just got up from a nice nap because i have a long night ahead of me. i just hope nobody bothers me while i try to get this done.
i just want stephan jenkins in my ears and my candles lit and door shut.
tomorrow will be different.

have you ever just wanted to disappear for a weekend and come back and nobody notice that you were gone? i kinda get that way, i just dont want anyone to notice me, i just want to fly under the radar and do what i want to do without anyone asking me anything.
i can't tell sometimes when i write in here if its my defense talking, because sometimes i know it does. i probably dont REALLY want to fly totally under the radar, but for some people, i wish i did.
but i wish that some people just flat out forgot i existed, and i've succeeded with that for some people. people who were just dead weight in my life, who were slowing me down. and thats sad, but good. cya.

i feel a graduation coming on, and its my graduation from the university of drama with a major in adieu and a masters in fuck you. and i dont want to come back for my PHd, ever.

ugh someone start a band with me, those would be amazing lyrics. haha.
but im serious.

beheaded sunflowers.

2008-05-28T20:02:39Z

so excuse me for a minute, but some douche with a weedwacker came to our house and beheaded my sunflowers. they were so beautiful. they were like 3 inches tall. and he thought they were weeds and wacked the fuck out of them. i saw it an i seriously almost started crying. emotional much? maybe. but damn it, they were my sunflowers. the only real flower is started by seed. and he wacked them. i hate him. and if i see him again, i will behead him like he did my flowers.

it has been kind of crazy lately. i'm trying hard to get through this quarter, and make it good, but for the next few days I will be struggling to get through. luckily, megann is coming up and we are going to some bars. hopefully i will get to see rocky with her and stephanie, but i'm kinda worried because alex has as how that night at 8:30, and i don't know rocky very well. not sure what i'll do. either way, i'll do it tipsy.
chelan was interesting. i was drunk 90% of the time. when I wasn't drunk, I was around other people who were drunk. I got belligerant two days (yes, days) in a row. i've never done that before. and with my aunt and uncle! so crazy. they are like sailors, they swear and talk dirty. i guess i know i've grown up when that happens, eh? anyway, it was fun. we surprised phil, but he, naturally, wasn't happy to see me.
his friends were though ;)
oops. laddeeda.

i broke my phone and had to get phils old one. its sad. i had "love in the club" by usher as my ring tone. it was so good. and i just bought it last week. lame.
anyway.

my mom seems to be doing fine, she starts chemotherapy in June. zero to sixty right? jesus.
life in bellingham is okay. i still don't have a job. and i need one.

i have so much stuff to do today, i dont know why i'm wasting time on live journal.

things that make me think until 2 am

2008-05-15T09:12:41Z

you know, i can sit here and preach all of these things that i think i believe in, but in the end, i'm still that person that goes to bed by herself and cries like a bitch because she doesn't get how shitty people can get into her head. i just don't want you in my head, twisting my words around, making me look insecure and unintelligent. because that makes me back off more. am i supposed to run to you with open arms when you make me look like a fool? i am? weird.
i dont want to be around weak people. and i dont want to be around people who do not understand what i mean when i say things.
i want to be around people who understand by garbage, and know when i'm totally bullshitting and love me still. i can count those people on one hand.
everyone else is disposable. and thats the truth.
god, i dont UNDERSTAND people that complain and are so unsure of their lives. how can you say you dont know what to do when you have SO MANY OPTIONS. you have so MUCH to do.
the issue for me is not "WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE?"
but "HOW MUCH am i going do to with my life!?"

heres my compromise:
introduce me (or at least reveal to me) someone who GETS me. who truly gets me. who wants to understand me, who makes an honest effort, who gives a shit. when this happens, and i feel totally at ease around this person, and i feel like no matter what this person will love me and cherish me as a person, then, and only then, will i concede to them and let all barriers down.
catch is, that there is no middle ground.
and i play for keeps.

laughlikethem @ 2008-05-05T00:58:00

2008-05-05T08:07:48Z

new death cab is kind of my life right now.

laughlikethem @ 2008-05-02T22:00:00

2008-05-03T05:01:18Z

i wash my hands of you.

but it really doesn't matter.

wahwah

2008-05-02T08:14:04Z

i dont know how to be like "so... im kinda going crazy.... disregard my actions...."
its coming off as pure bitchiness and pure cold hatred. and... sorry. but right now, im not really sorry. i'm just saying it because it sounds right, but really i'm not very sorry. i'm agitated because i can't find anyone that i trust and i can't find anyone that i feel like i can talk to anymore and it really....sucks.
so thats how i feel and i don't want to apologize for it, even if its 95% illusion and 5% truth. its not my fault i feel that way.

and i could take responsibility and say that i see myself acting this way an try to change it
but i guess i just have bigger things on my mind